For Young People > Social Connections

Recognizing Loneliness & What to Do About It

Due to the isolation many people experienced during the pandemic, you’re likely familiar with the loneliness that can come from having no, or very limited, in-person social interactions. But you don’t have to be physically isolated to feel lonely.

What is loneliness?

Feeling lonely is not the same as being alone. When you’re alone, you’re by yourself, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing — it can feel good to spend solitary time doing a hobby, watching a show, or practicing self-care. Solitude can be restorative and solo activities can be enriching, just as there are social and group activities that are meaningful as well.

Loneliness is a feeling of distress that can happen when you’re by yourself or around others if you’re not experiencing the closeness or connection you want. You can be surrounded by other people and still feel lonely.

You might be experiencing loneliness if you feel:

detached or disconnected in social situations (examples include sensing a pit in your stomach when everyone is talking about something you don’t understand or weren’t there for, or looking around a crowded party and thinking you don’t have anyone to talk to)
sad when you’re around other people
like no one “gets” you or wants to connect with you
left out or invisible.

The introversion-extraversion spectrum

Everyone needs to recharge their batteries in some way. People who are more extroverted get their energy from being around others in social situations while those who are more introverted need time alone to restore their energy. Many people fall somewhere in the middle, though social styles can change depending on the situation, the people, and how you’re feeling that day — and will likely continue to develop over time.

Knowing whether you’re generally more introverted or extroverted can help you understand your preferences around socializing and why you may sometimes crave more or less time with friends. It can also help improve your friendships. Feelings can get hurt when we misinterpret people’s attempts to meet their needs. Be aware that your friends may have different needs — you might be more of an extrovert who wants to hang out all the time while another friend who is more introverted might need more solitude.

People can incorrectly assume that introverts can’t handle certain social situations or that extroverts don’t benefit from alone time. But introverts can be highly skilled socially and extroverts can benefit greatly from moments of solitude. Capability can be built!

Extroverts may have to work at taking time for themselves, while introverts may have to gently push themselves out of their comfort zone to try new things socially. Here are some action steps to take:

Think about when you feel socially energized versus when you feel more drained.
If you like spending lots of time with other people, what’s one step you can take to create intentional time to recharge? (See Self-care for ideas.)
If you prefer solitude, think about small steps you can take to stay socially connected with others. For example, you might say hi to three people a day or check out a school club focusing on something that matters to you.

Factors that can contribute to loneliness

You can experience loneliness if you don’t feel truly seen or understood, or if your social connections have changed or don’t feel meaningful to you. Maybe you no longer feel close to old friends, or you’ve had a breakup. Perhaps you interact with people online who you don't know in real life or have a genuine connection with, or you see social media posts that make you feel left out. Other factors that can contribute to loneliness include:

moving or starting a new school
experiencing a change in family dynamics like a sibling leaving for college or your parents getting divorced
being bullied
being left out.

A black and white photo of a teenager looking at their phone.

You’re not alone: the impact of loneliness

Loneliness is more common than you may think. Despite engagement with school, activities, and digital technology, some of the highest rates of loneliness are reported by young people. Beyond just feeling lousy, loneliness can be harmful to your mental health.

Feeling occasionally lonely is perfectly natural as you figure out who you are, what brings you joy, and where you fit in the world. But loneliness can also lead to:

avoidance of social situations, thereby losing opportunities to connect with others
increased stress
poor sleep
risk of anxiety or depression
unhealthy coping mechanisms like substance use
decreased performance at school
negative feelings about yourself or about life.

What you can do if you’re feeling lonely

Loneliness can lead to negative self-talk or generalizations like, “No one likes me.” You might worry that you’ll be rejected or that trying to socialize won’t be worth it, and talk yourself out of even trying. It’s important to remember that feelings and perceptions aren’t necessarily based on facts.

First, practice positive self-talk. Try reframing your perception with positive statements about yourself. What are three reason you’re fun to be around? What do you like most about yourself? You can give yourself a pep talk in the mirror or better yet, write a list on your phone or in a journal that you can look at any time you’re feeling down.

Next, try reframing some of your negative thoughts into positive ones. Here are some examples:

Instead of “It’s too late in the year to start,” remind yourself, “Clubs are always looking for new members. Volunteer organizations are often understaffed and are happy to train young people to help.”
Instead of “It will be awkward,” tell yourself, “It might be awkward at first, but it will get easier over time. Stories of awkward moments can end up being laughs to share with friends.”
Instead of, “It’s been so long. They won’t want to hear from me” or “They’ll think it’s random or rude if I text,” try, “They might also be nervous about reaching out, and being in touch could feel good for them as well.”

Looking for volunteer opportunities?

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Watch a video:

Opens in a new tabOvercoming Loneliness from Center for Youth Mental Health

Now it’s time to take some action steps. Here are five ideas to try if you’re feeling lonely:

Volunteering or even just offering to assist a classmate can help you form meaningful connections, give you a sense of purpose, and make you feel good about yourself. There might be volunteer opportunities for causes you care about at your school, community center, or place of worship. Perhaps a classmate could use tutoring in a subject you’re good at.

Just reaching out can make you feel better. It doesn’t have to be someone you see regularly, especially if you’re experiencing loneliness at school. Is there a childhood friend you haven’t seen in a while who you can message on social media? How about a cousin who lives in another town or state?

Hobbies are a great way to make connections with people who share similar interests. If you like video or other games, see if there is a club at school for people to play together. Maybe you’ve always wanted to try singing or acting. Is there a school theater group or a weekend class you can take? (For more ideas, see Ways to meet new people.)

Warm connections can come from furry friends, too! Pets like dogs and cats are loyal, snuggly, and fun to be with. If you don’t have a pet of your own, ask if you can walk a neighbor’s dog or see if you can volunteer at an animal shelter.

Making art — even if you don’t show it to anyone — can be distracting, fun, and healing. Doodle in your notebook or on an art app, put together a collage of photos for yourself or a friend, or create a self-soothing kit.

It can help to set a goal and share it with a caregiver, other trusted adult, or friend — not so they’ll give you advice or feedback, but so you can check in with them for accountability. For example, “I’m going to try the chess club next week” or “I’m going to reach out to a cabin mate from summer camp this weekend and would like help sticking with my plan.” Let them know how they can best support you, such as asking if you met your goal and, if not, possibly troubleshooting solutions with you.

“I take cooking lessons every few weeks and I’ve come to meet a great group of people who I enjoy seeing at each demo. It gives me something to look forward to during the week.”

— submitted by a young person