Expectations of Safety, Language, and Behavior

Different families have different expectations, boundaries, and guidelines. As teens establish independence and test limits, it’s important that you’re clear about what’s acceptable and what’s not in your family.

Part of discipline — that is, teaching and guiding kids — is setting family rules to keep everyone safe and feeling secure while also allowing space for growth by taking chances and making mistakes. With teens, you’ll be tasked with establishing rules about things ranging from curfews to driving to technology use. You’ll also need to determine standards for acceptable language and behavior within your home that prioritize emotional and physical respect and safety for everyone.

In addition to modeling language and behavior you want to encourage in your family (“leading by example”), here are some tips:

Language

• Encourage supportive or validating language (“I understand what you’re saying” or “I know it’s hard to feel so frustrated”) versus negative generalizing (“You always miss curfew” or “You never pick up after yourself”).
• Compliment your adolescent on positive language you hear (“You were so polite to that teacher”) or efforts to improve (“The way you spoke to your dad was respectful and made him feel good”) to reinforce a positive cycle.
• Avoid comments that may sound nice on the surface but are actually veiled criticisms (“Thanks for picking up your clothes for once”) or (“It’s amazing that you didn’t talk back to me this time.”)
• Make clear rules around language that is not acceptable in your family, such as mean-spirited remarks, swearing, or name-calling. Establish how you will respond to inappropriate language.
• If a young person uses inappropriate language, consider: are they upset about something in particular? Are they having trouble handling a situation? Try to talk to them at a time when everyone is calmer.
• If hurtful language is used, have the young person consider how they might feel if the tables were turned. Consider role playing some conversations so they can practice using kind language with family members and outside the home with friends.
• Acknowledge when you slip up with language — we all do! — and apologize (see Repair).

For more, read Opens in a new tabThe Art of Civil Conversations: 9 Parent Strategies from The Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds.

Behavior

• Offer positive behavior or body language that reflects care or appreciation. Tailor to reflect each person’s comfort level, whether that is a hug, high fives, or a thumbs up.
• Establish boundaries around respecting each other’s privacy, whether that is knocking and waiting for permission before entering someone’s room or asking before borrowing personal items.
• Make clear rules around behavior that is not acceptable in your family, such as aggressiveness, cruelty, hitting, or shoving.
• Model co-regulation and encourage young people to think about healthy ways to manage and express big emotions.
• Define consequences if expectations are broken and be consistent with them. Try to turn incidents into teachable moments by pointing out the inappropriate behavior, asking the young person to identify what the problem is, and having them self-correct.

Be gentle with yourself, recognizing that navigating family dynamics can be challenging and that no one can manage things “perfectly” all the time.

Managing disruptive behavior

Because of the way their brains are developing, teens are naturally going to have fluctuating or intense emotions, argue with you, or defy what you say. Having clear rules and consequences around language and behavior can help, as can using tools like de-escalation, co-regulation, and repair. Most likely, a young person needs more skills to help them manage their behavior.

Sometimes, a child’s disruptive behavior may be the result of a mental health condition. If rules or consequences need to be different for that young person, explain to siblings why that is the case (see Supporting Siblings).

If behavior escalates to a point where someone’s safety is at risk, call 911 or go to the emergency department (see What to do in a mental health crisis).

Collaborate on expectations

As adolescents mature, you can recognize their growth and encourage responsibility by making discipline a partnership. Threats, demands, and angry punishments detract from long-term lessons and may lead to rebellion. Instead, collaborating on expectations of behavior and safety, both in the home and when they’re out with friends or in public, helps teens understand why you’ve established certain rules and what the consequences are if they’re broken.

Talk together about what privileges your teen would like to have, what your expectations are and what safety rules won’t be bent, and what will happen if expectations aren’t met.