De-escalation

Often, when applying skills like active listening, validation, and co-regulation, we can prevent a situation from escalating. However, sometimes despite our best efforts a situation can spiral. De-escalation is a way to help defuse a potential crisis before it reaches a boiling point.

Here are some ways to de-escalate:

• Give your child physical space to help ensure the safety of everyone involved. This may mean staying at a safe distance or asking if you can move to a different location, like going outside or a neutral room like the kitchen.
• Maintain a calm tone and keep your words short and simple. Without being condescending, speak gently and slowly. Don’t raise your voice.
• Consider your body language. Maintain a relaxed stance or sit down so that you’re not standing over your teen. Avoid crossing your arms, pointing, pacing, or rolling your eyes.
• Ask them to calmly state what they’re feeling and what they want or need. Listen closely. Empathize and validate to help build trust. Try, "I understand you’re upset" instead of "Calm down!" or "Stop it!"
• While maintaining family rules for safety (see Expectations of Behavior, Language, and Safety), offer the young person some choices. A teen who is feeling out of control is less likely to become more agitated if they feel like they have some agency — that is, control over the situation. The options should be limited and acceptable. For example, if your teen is furious because you won’t let them go to a party or extend their curfew, you could ask if they want a few friends to come by instead or after the party. Or you could offer that if they keep their curfew for three months, you will extend it by an hour.

If you have tried de-escalation strategies and feel a situation is escalating to an emergency, see What to do in a mental health crisis.