Navigating Challenging Social Situations, Bullying, and Safety

During the ups and downs of adolescence, it’s natural for some challenging social situations to come up. For example:

• You might have friends that are great one-on-one, but when they get together as a group, they talk badly about other people.
• Perhaps a friend had an issue with something you did and gossiped about it with other people instead of speaking with you directly.
• Maybe a friend told you they couldn’t go to the game because they were sick, but then you see on social media that they hung out with someone else.
• You might be in a relationship with someone who you want to distance or move on from, but you feel stuck.

These moments can lead to feelings of discomfort, betrayal, or resentment. It can be hard to know what to do when these types of situations arise.

Unhealthy responses and why they don’t help

When a tricky situation happens and you’re feeling upset, you might be tempted to make a passive-aggressive comment about bothersome behavior or ghost someone. Maybe you’ve given a friend the silent treatment without an explanation. Perhaps you’ve called a person out on social media.

These choices aren’t healthy solutions to conflict. Ghosting, ignoring, or talking about someone behind their back doesn’t feel good for either person or solve the problem. Social media comments can go viral, cause drama with others who don’t need to be involved, and haunt someone long after the situation has cooled.

There are appropriate ways to step back from a relationship if someone is continually being hurtful or the connection no longer feels positive (see Moving on from a friendship). In many situations, it may be possible to work through conflict and improve the relationship. Though doing so may not always fix things or make them stronger, that’s okay, too. 

Steps to take in tricky social situations

Here are some steps to take when you find yourself in a challenging social situation:

Once you’ve determined what’s bothering you and what you’d like to see happen, communicating your feelings or setting a boundary can help you get what you need, strengthen a connection, and make you feel better, too.

Communicating your feelings

You might be nervous to raise an issue with a friend. That’s understandable! It can be hard to be the one who calls attention to something or to be the person who suggests changing how things usually work between you. Some people are less aware of how their words or actions affect others. They may not replay a remark or situation and realize they’ve been insensitive unless you tell them. Hopefully, if the person is a true friend, they’ll be receptive to your concerns and willing to work through a conflict together. If not, that might tell you something about the friendship.

Here are some tips for talking to a friend about something that’s bothering you: 

Before the conversation

• Remind yourself of your own self-worth. You deserve to be valued and treated with respect, and to have your feelings taken seriously. You are allowed to speak up for yourself. Relationships that do not allow for this may need to be re-evaluated.
• Recognize the self-worth of others, and allow them to speak as well. The conversation is not one-sided, so preparing to listen the way you want others to listen is important, too.
• Plan out what you’d like to say. What do you want to get across? What’s your goal for the conversation? What might they say? How do you hope to respond?
• Consider how and when you want to talk. Even though it might feel intimidating, talking in person or by phone is better than over text, because there is less chance for miscommunication. If you want to talk in person, consider a comfortable, low-key space where you won’t be interrupted. You might talk as you walk to or from practice, grab something to eat, or chat while you do a casual activity like shooting hoops or gaming when there aren’t others around.
• Give the person a heads-up that you want to discuss something. You could say, “Hey, what happened in the cafeteria today is bugging me” or “I felt hurt when I found out you weren’t actually sick last weekend. Can we talk about it?”

During the conversation

• Tell the person that the friendship is important to you, which is why you want to talk things through. You might start by saying something appreciative in a way that sounds natural to you. For example, “You’ve always had my back, and I want to be honest about something” or “You’re one of my closest friends so I don’t want to just blow this off.”
• Use “I” statements to express how you feel. Rather than making an accusation (“What you said at lunch was awful!”), which can put someone on the defensive, try “It hurt my feelings when you made that comment” or “It felt lousy to be the only one not included.”
• After you’ve expressed your feelings, give the person a chance to respond. They may be caught off guard or not quite sure what to say. Or they might get defensive at first. Listen to their side. Even if a friend sees a situation differently, your feelings are still valid. You may need to calmly repeat them, and the person may need some time to process and understand your perspective.
• If appropriate, decide together on a solution. Express what you need and be respectful of the other person’s needs, too. For example, “Could we agree not to joke about stuff like that in front of people? And if I cross a line with you, tell me.”
• If the conversation happens to get heated — say, if one or both of you gets upset and you argue or one of you says something hurtful — take some space. Once you’ve both cooled off, suggest a repair conversation. 

After the conversation

• Assuming the conversation goes well, express appreciation. Even a simple “Good talk. Thanks for listening” or “I’m glad we talked. Are we good?” can help things come to a positive close. You can reiterate how important the friendship is to you.
• Agree to revisit the concern down the line if the situation doesn’t seem to be improving.
• Keep confidences. If you want to process the situation with someone else — before or after the conversation — talk to a trusted adult or someone who has no involvement or stake in the friendship.
• Give it time. If things feel a little awkward after the conversation, that’s okay. Wait a day or two and then try to resume your normal routine, whether that’s sending a text at the end of the day or suggesting an activity for the weekend. Before you know it, things will probably feel back to normal — and your friendship may feel stronger, too.

Arguments and repair

Disagreements are a natural part of healthy relationships. You and a friend could argue over something simple like what to do this weekend, or a conversation might get heated when one of you raises an issue. While physical violence and emotional abuse (such as threatening, demeaning, or trying to control someone) are never okay, it’s normal to argue sometimes. After a disagreement or argument, taking the time to make a repair can make a relationship stronger in the long run.

It’s important to take accountability and apologize when you’ve done something wrong. But it can be difficult to know what to do or say. Here are some tips:

• Take some time for both of you to cool off before reaching out.
• Consider the best way to talk to the person, whether that’s having a conversation while grabbing lunch or texting them.
• Keep your tone calm, kind, and genuine. If you’re talking in person, avoid body language that shows anger or defensiveness (like crossing your arms).
• Take responsibility for your actions and acknowledge how you made someone else feel using “I” statements. For example, “I’m sorry I left you out of the plans. I get why that would hurt your feelings” or “I realize the comment I made offended you. I shouldn’t have said that.”
• Avoid minimizing, trying to justify your actions, or explaining why you were right (“I was just joking. It’s not a big deal” or “I didn’t think you’d even want to come”).
• Let the other person express their feelings, listen carefully to what they have to say, and reflect back what you hear (“I understand that posting that photo embarrassed you”).
• Ask for forgiveness and what you can do to make the situation better.

To learn more

Read

• Opens in a new tabHow do I navigate disagreements? from Start Strong, a program at the Boston Public Health Commission
• Opens in a new tabHow to fight fair from love is respect

Setting boundaries

A boundary is a limit you set around what works best for you. Setting a boundary is one way to handle a challenging social situation. Examples include saying no to something you’re not comfortable with (such as peer pressure around sexual activity or substance use), limiting the amount of time you spend with someone, or choosing not to talk about a subject that feels distressing to you. In all relationships, you have the right to define boundaries that help you feel emotionally and physically safe.

Some boundaries can be demonstrated through actions. For example, you might choose to:

• Slow down your text responses to someone who is being clingy
• Not attend a party where you know there will be drinking, because you’re not comfortable with it
• Limit your phone calls or chat time to an hour each night so you have time to finish your homework.

In other cases, you might need to set a verbal boundary in response to something someone does or suggests, such as pressuring you to break curfew or act in a way that’s not aligned with your values. Saying “no” can feel hard if you’re worried about fitting in, being judged or mocked, or being rejected. Here are some ways to make setting verbal boundaries a little easier:

• Suggest a different activity or idea. “I was hoping we could catch that new movie tonight instead.”
• Change the subject. You can say a quick “No, thanks” and then move on to, “By the way, what did you think of that chemistry test today?”
• Show someone how their pressure makes you feel by reversing the situation. Respond to a comment such as, “If you were really my friend, you would do this” with, “If you were really my friend, you wouldn’t ask me to do that, because you know I’m not comfortable with it.”
• Use an excuse, including your parents. “My parents would find out, and then I’d be grounded. I’m not missing prom/the game/going out next weekend” or even simply say, “I need to get up early for a family event tomorrow, so I think I’m just going to head home.”

Setting boundaries can be tough at first, and takes practice. You might worry that people will see you differently and stop including you. Or you might be afraid that someone might not want to hang out because they were comfortable with the friendship the way it was. But sticking to a boundary reflects that you know who you are and who you want to be, and gives you agency over how things go.

For more, see Opens in a new tabSetting Boundaries Guide from NAMI. 

Dealing with bullying

Bullying is not a one-time situation. It can be an ongoing aggressive behavior where one person repeatedly physically or emotionally hurts another person who is more vulnerable. Bullying can range from mild teasing to physical harm. Examples include persistent name-calling, teasing, excluding, spreading rumors, embarrassing someone, and threatening or enacting physical harm. Bullying may lead you to feel constantly on guard and to plan ahead for what would feel like less risky options such as where you sit at lunch or in class. You might try to blend in by avoiding situations or experiences that would call attention to yourself or make you stand out. You may be tempted to not even show up where the bullying could take place.

Bullying can be very scary. It’s important to remember that being bullied is not your fault, and that no one has the right to make you feel less than or ashamed of who you are. Remember, too, that it is not okay to treat anyone else that way.

Bullies can be tough to stand up to, whether you’re the one being bullied or you observe bullying behavior. It’s natural to feel upset or intimidated if you’re being bullied, or to be afraid of speaking up for someone else because you fear the bully will turn on you next. Here are some suggestions for dealing with bullying:

• Speak up for yourself or someone else if and when you feel safe to do so. This might mean asking someone to stop teasing you or someone else while in a crowd, or having a private conversation with them later using an “I” statement such as, “I didn’t feel great watching when you were teasing that person earlier. I noticed that they seemed a bit uncomfortable. I wanted to mention it just in case that was not your intention.”
• Stand your ground. A bully might try to brush off your feelings by saying they were just kidding or you’re too sensitive.
• Tell your caregivers or another Opens in a new tabtrusted adult. If you’re being bullied, if you witness or have a gut feeling that someone else is, or if you’re uncomfortable with a situation, it’s important to let someone else know. Don’t suffer in silence.
• Opens in a new tabReport cyberbullying (harmful posts or texts that violate someone’s privacy, embarrass them, or shame them).

Unsafe situations

There are other situations you may find yourself in that feel questionable or unsafe, like receiving an unwanted physical advance or finding yourself at a party with no sober ride home. Consider whether talking to a trusted adult — your parent or someone else — would help. You might be nervous to talk to your parents or caregivers because you’re afraid you’ll get in trouble or they’ll put more rules on where you can go and what you can do. But remember that they were once teens, too, and in most cases, they’d prefer to know you’re taking responsibility for your safety rather than putting yourself in a risky situation.

Part of establishing your independence is letting your parents or caregivers know that they can trust you, and asking them to be there for you without judgement or punishment if you find yourself in a dangerous situation. You might say something like, “I know we haven’t talked about this before, and I’m not saying this is going to happen, but I want to make sure that if it does or I find myself in an unexpected situation and I need help, I know what to do.” One scenario might be that if you ever find yourself in a place, situation, or with a person that makes you feel uneasy, you can text your parent or caregiver a special code you agree on ahead of time. When they receive the code, that cues them to call you, tell you it’s time to come home, and then come pick you up, no questions asked. 

For more information about various safety topics, read Opens in a new tabSafety & First Aid from Nemours TeensHealth.