Helping children who are neurodiverse build friendships

Making friends and finding social opportunities can sometimes be difficult, particularly for children who are neurodiverse. This may include those with certain neurodevelopmental conditions, such as children who are on the autism spectrum or who have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or intellectual disability.

There is immense diversity within every community, and every child is unique. While the approaches, strategies, and advice offered here may not work for everyone, all of us can do our part to support friendship building. Building social skills is one step, which we'll discuss in this post. A later post will focus on broadening societal expectations and adapting environments. When combined, both can help create more inclusive communities and social opportunities.

Embracing an open attitude

Friendships and social connections are an important aspect of people's lives. They provide a sense of belonging and allow people to be included in their communities. Everyone can be a friend; everyone deserves to have friends.

People with neurodevelopmental differences often have different ways of communicating, learning, and regulating their behavior. Embracing an open attitude to differences among people, and encouraging children to do the same, can help others feel more comfortable in social situations. 

Practice at home: Skill-building around common social situations

Sometimes, neurodevelopmental differences can make it harder to develop friendships and participate in social activities with peers. Skill building is one way to help children bridge the gap.

Navigating social settings and making friends involve many skills you can practice with children at home.

• Greetings and questions. Make a habit of practicing greetings throughout the day. Model good listening for your child, and take turns asking and answering conversation starters like, "How are you?"
• Adjusting body movements and level of voice depending on surroundings. While certain behaviors can be soothing for children who are neurodiverse, these behaviors can be challenging in some environments. For example, a playground or park works well for an excited body and a loud voice, while a calm body and quiet voice may be needed in a library. Practicing different behaviors for different settings can be helpful. 
• Patience and flexibility in play. Play helps children learn more about themselves, others, and the world around them. Children can engage as they are able and most comfortable, such as through parallel play with a shared interest or activity, or more interactive play. Free form play dates can offer more time and space to explore while structured play, including puzzles and outdoor sports, can offer a goal to work toward alongside others.
• Reading and responding to social signals. People regularly communicate using more than just words. Social signals are the variety of ways in which we communicate through body language and facial expressions. Often this can be tricky to detect for children who are neurodiverse. Practice recognizing common social signals with your child by asking what someone's body or face might be saying.

Impulsivity, aggression, and safety concerns

Some children with neurodevelopmental disabilities may also experience impulsive, aggressive, or unsafe behaviors, such as bolting or wandering. Sometimes these behaviors are due to difficulty handling strong feelings.

To help children navigate the different emotions that come their way, practice communicating strong feelings effectively either by asking for help, using an emotions board, or taking a break. It's also important to address safety concerns and challenging behaviors, like impulsivity and aggression, through therapies and programming.

How to throw a wide net socially

Encouraging social opportunities is an important part of supporting friendships and social relationships for children with neurodevelopmental disabilities. Social spaces offer chances for children who are neurodiverse to find activities they enjoy. They are able to practice the social and emotional skills they are learning and possibly meet other children practicing these same skills.

• Build up time. A new social situation can sometimes be overwhelming and only good for short periods of time. Building up over time can help with getting used to a new environment. Practice staying the first 10 minutes of a birthday party and gradually build up to staying all the way for cake.
• Structure and organize play dates. Set up the environment before a play date by making a list of activities to do with a friend, then picking out of a hat which activities to do and in what order. Add parallel play into play dates through arts and crafts projects and build toward more interactive play skills as desired.
• Make a list of fun things to do and invite others to join. Look for free or low-cost programs or events out in the community.
• Connect with other parents of children with disabilities. Set up an activity for your children like an ice cream date, going on a walk, or a game night with adults and kids together. These encounters can give rise to repeat, planned social opportunities.
• Check out community organizations for children with disabilities. A few examples are Special Olympics and Best Buddies, or recreational programs that foster inclusive environments through Unified Sports.
• Look into facilitated recreational activities like a Lego club or pizza parties with teachers. Decide when and where to make food part of the equation. Plan to bring a support person if needed.

Your child's doctor or teacher may be able to suggest additional community or web-based resources designed to help families support friendships for children with neurodiverse abilities.